Raising Capable Kids Starts with Letting Go (Just a Little)
Harvard’s longest-running study on human development has shown something surprisingly simple: kids who do chores grow up to be more successful and happier adults. Not because they mastered folding laundry or stacking the dishwasher, but because they learned that they were part of something bigger than themselves, and that their contribution mattered.
When children contribute to family life (not as a favour, but as an expectation), they begin to see themselves as capable. Setting the table, putting away their clothes, helping with the pets - these everyday acts build the belief that “I can do things.” Over time, that belief becomes the foundation for self-worth and resilience.
I recently listened to a podcast with Dr. Daniel Amen. He added an important insight to this idea:
“If you do too much for your kids, you build your self-esteem by stealing theirs.”
This stuck with me. It’s so tempting to jump in with solutions, to rescue them from frustration. But every time we do, we rob them of a chance to build resourcefulness and inner strength.
Dr Amen went on to give the example of how to respond when children say, “I’m bored.” Instead of offering up a list of activities, he suggested replying with a simple, empowering statement: “I wonder what you’re going to do about that.” It gently hands the responsibility back to them. It says, “I trust you to figure this out.” And that’s where growth begins.
It won’t always go smoothly. Just this week my son burned himself making breakfast. It wasn’t anything serious, but it served as a moment of learning. He now knows how careful he needs to be when getting those small English muffins out of the toaster! He also knows to run a burn under cold water. And he knows that something went wrong and he’s still okay.
Competence, character, and confidence don’t come from being shielded, they come from struggle, from trying, from discovering what you’re capable of. When we let our children participate in life, solve their own problems, and find their way through challenges, we’re giving them the gift of agency. We're saying: You’ve got this.
That belief, both from us and from within themselves, is something they carry with them for life, and maybe that’s the greatest gift we could give them.