Helping Kids Navigate Friendships: Why Coaching Beats Fixing

Friendship ups and downs are a natural part of childhood, yet as parents, it’s instinctive to want to shield our children from discomfort. When they come home upset about a falling-out with a friend, it’s tempting to step in and fix the problem. But what if these moments—though difficult—are actually opportunities for growth?

Just like learning to ride a bike, children need practice to develop the skills to navigate friendships. If we always hold the handlebars, they’ll struggle to find their balance when we eventually let go. Instead of solving social conflicts for them, our role is to coach them—helping them build confidence, resilience, and the ability to manage friendships independently.

Equipping Kids with the Tools to Manage Conflict

To help children build confidence in their social skills, we’ve introduced Friendology as a school-wide approach. This program provides students with practical, child-friendly strategies to handle friendship challenges, using clear steps and accessible language. More than just teaching kids how to make and maintain friendships, Friendology empowers them to work through the inevitable ups and downs—helping them grow rather than simply avoiding conflict. For these skills to truly stick, children need the chance to practise them. For younger students, they may need a lot of guidance from an adult, with the aim that this support will be needed less and less as they develop their skills and confidence.

Our Approach: Supporting, Not Solving

At school, we prioritise relationships built on respect and trust. When friendship issues arise, we guide students in working through challenges together. Friendology strengthens this approach by offering a clear, structured framework for children to follow when resolving conflicts. The goal is to help them identify issues, consider different perspectives, and move forward—on their own, with support rather than intervention.

It’s natural for parents to want to step in when their child is upset. But every time we take over, we send the message: You can’t handle this. Instead, we want children to hear: You’ve got this. Shifting from problem-solver to coach gives kids the chance to develop confidence in their own abilities—something far more valuable than a quick fix.

Teaching Kids to Navigate ‘Friendship Fires’

One of the key lessons in Friendology is that no friendship is perfect. Moments of conflict—what we call ‘Friendship Fires’—are a normal part of any relationship. Through the Friend-o-cycle, children learn to:

1. Confront the issue
2. Talk it out (retell the situation and how it made you feel)
3. Forgive and forget

This process helps them develop self-awareness, communication skills, and emotional regulation—abilities they’ll rely on well beyond the classroom. While things won’t always go smoothly, our role is to support them in managing these moments rather than taking control.

How Parents Can Help at Home

Parents play a crucial role in reinforcing these skills. When your child comes to you with a friendship challenge, instead of immediately offering solutions, try asking:

• What do you think you could say to your friend?
• How do you want to handle this?
• What have you tried so far?

Encouraging reflection helps children take ownership of their social experiences. They may still need guidance, but by letting them lead the way, we empower them to navigate friendships with growing independence.

The skills and confidence they develop now will serve them for life.

Friendships are one of the most powerful influences in a child’s life. Supportive, high-quality friendships don’t just make childhood more enjoyable—they shape mental health, resilience, and long-term wellbeing (Chu et al., 2010). A strong friendship can be a source of joy, confidence, and support, especially during life’s inevitable ups and downs (Hartup & Stevens, 1999). But the key words around friendship here are supportive and high-quality.

While friendships are crucial, children don’t always evaluate them the way adults do. Often, they stick with friends out of habit—choosing familiarity over fulfillment. They may continue investing in friendships that don’t bring out the best in them, simply because they’ve known the person for a long time. Sometimes, children can feel stuck in these friendships, forgetting that they have the power to choose who they spend time with. But just because a friendship is familiar doesn’t mean it’s the best fit.

So, how can we help children assess the quality of their friendships? It starts with recognising patterns—identifying the behaviours that make a friendship positive and those that signal an unhealthy dynamic. When children reflect on their friendships, they can begin to define their own must-haves and deal-breakers—the qualities they deserve in a friend and the behaviours they won’t tolerate. These reflections strengthen self-worth, reminding children that friendships should lift them up, not weigh them down. Take some time to explore this with your child.

Once children understand the qualities of a healthy friendship, they can start assessing their relationships as a whole. A helpful tool like the Friendology Friend-o-Meter can guide them in determining whether their friendships are built on trust, respect, and joy. While no friendship is perfect (Friendship Fact #1), a healthy relationship should feel good at least 80% of the time. That’s what we call a green-zone friendship—one where a child feels safe, valued, and happy. It’s based on kindness, trust, and respect.

The BIG M Approach to Raising Resilient Kids

I’ve found myself having the same kind of chat with different parents lately — the details vary, but the concern is the same: “My child doesn’t cope well when things don’t go their way.” Whether it’s losing a game, struggling with homework or small everyday setbacks, many kids are finding it hard to bounce back. It’s a common concern — but the reassuring part is this: resilience isn’t something children are born with or without — it’s a skill we can help them grow.

Let’s be honest - it’s natural to want to step in and soften the blow when our kids are struggling. We want to fix it, smooth the path, protect them. But real resilience isn’t built in calm seas. It grows when kids face setbacks and still find a way forward. Just as courage is acting in the face of fear, resilience is acting in spite of stress and challenge.

One practical way we can support our kids to build resilience is by focusing on four foundational needs that help them bounce back and thrive. These needs come from the Circle of Courage — a well-researched model of positive youth development used around the world. A simple way to remember them? Think BIG M.

BELONGING

Every child needs at least one relationship that is truly unconditional — someone who loves, supports, and believes in them no matter what. This secure connection provides the emotional safety children need to take risks, make mistakes, and grow.

Belonging is built through simple, consistent moments of simply enjoying one another’s company: eating dinner together, karaoke in the car, or showing up for their basketball game even when they’re on the bench. It’s not about grand gestures — it’s the steady message: you matter, just as you are.

INDEPENDENCE

Resilience grows when children learn they can manage challenges on their own. Giving them responsibility in everyday moments builds this confidence — things like packing their own school bag, making their breakfast, or solving small social problems before stepping in. Yes, they might forget their homework or library books now and then — but those small slip-ups that may feel uncomfortable are exactly where the learning happens. We don’t want to rob them of that!

It’s not about getting everything right, but about letting them try, make mistakes, and try again. These moments send a powerful message: you are capable, even when things don’t go to plan.

GENEROSITY

When children feel secure, encouraging small acts of kindness helps them see they are valuable contributors to something bigger than themselves. This sense of purpose builds resilience — it reminds them they matter and have the power to make a difference. Generosity strengthens identity and connection, both of which protect against self-doubt during tough times.

MASTERY

Resilience grows when children recognise what they’re good at — especially when it’s something they care about. Whether it’s storytelling, curiosity, drawing, or being a great friend, identifying these strengths builds their sense of identity and gives them solid ground to stand on when things feel shaky.

The teenage years bring bigger challenges and a natural push toward independence. By intentionally building belonging, independence, generosity and mastery from a young age, we give children the internal resources to face life with a greater sense of confidence, connection and courage.