The BIG M Approach to Raising Resilient Kids
I’ve found myself having the same kind of chat with different parents lately — the details vary, but the concern is the same: “My child doesn’t cope well when things don’t go their way.” Whether it’s losing a game, struggling with homework or small everyday setbacks, many kids are finding it hard to bounce back. It’s a common concern — but the reassuring part is this: resilience isn’t something children are born with or without — it’s a skill we can help them grow.
Let’s be honest - it’s natural to want to step in and soften the blow when our kids are struggling. We want to fix it, smooth the path, protect them. But real resilience isn’t built in calm seas. It grows when kids face setbacks and still find a way forward. Just as courage is acting in the face of fear, resilience is acting in spite of stress and challenge.
One practical way we can support our kids to build resilience is by focusing on four foundational needs that help them bounce back and thrive. These needs come from the Circle of Courage — a well-researched model of positive youth development used around the world. A simple way to remember them? Think BIG M.
BELONGING
Every child needs at least one relationship that is truly unconditional — someone who loves, supports, and believes in them no matter what. This secure connection provides the emotional safety children need to take risks, make mistakes, and grow.
Belonging is built through simple, consistent moments of simply enjoying one another’s company: eating dinner together, karaoke in the car, or showing up for their basketball game even when they’re on the bench. It’s not about grand gestures — it’s the steady message: you matter, just as you are.
INDEPENDENCE
Resilience grows when children learn they can manage challenges on their own. Giving them responsibility in everyday moments builds this confidence — things like packing their own school bag, making their breakfast, or solving small social problems before stepping in. Yes, they might forget their homework or library books now and then — but those small slip-ups that may feel uncomfortable are exactly where the learning happens. We don’t want to rob them of that!
It’s not about getting everything right, but about letting them try, make mistakes, and try again. These moments send a powerful message: you are capable, even when things don’t go to plan.
GENEROSITY
When children feel secure, encouraging small acts of kindness helps them see they are valuable contributors to something bigger than themselves. This sense of purpose builds resilience — it reminds them they matter and have the power to make a difference. Generosity strengthens identity and connection, both of which protect against self-doubt during tough times.
MASTERY
Resilience grows when children recognise what they’re good at — especially when it’s something they care about. Whether it’s storytelling, curiosity, drawing, or being a great friend, identifying these strengths builds their sense of identity and gives them solid ground to stand on when things feel shaky.
The teenage years bring bigger challenges and a natural push toward independence. By intentionally building belonging, independence, generosity and mastery from a young age, we give children the internal resources to face life with a greater sense of confidence, connection and courage.